Beach Junky's junk...

I would usually write about how happy I am about love and life. I'd usually write about experiences unforgotten with friends and well, family. But today was definitely a "good day to die" for me.

Walking up the stairways of Bellarmine hall was one walk i shouldn't have taken. Even with all the redirections causing me all the more stress from being a "late registrant," what came to me was beyond the capabilities of this vulnerable physique of a man you can call "Job." I'm usually strong for myself and for others. I usually stand up for what I believed in just because I knew it was right, even if it wasn't for my sake. But those are "usually" occasions.

Today was not a USUAL occasion.

Excited and exhausted at the same time. I rushed up Bellarmine hall to get my grades and reg form. To hell with the reg form, registering yourself for school is as easy s 1-2-3. But the moment that I saw my grades from last sem...

my world crashed...
my world trembled...
my world fell apart...
my world died...

1.27... that was the QPI that I had worked so hard for.
it's not even close to the average QPI you need to stay in ateneo which is 1.8. AND definitely so far away from the average QPI that I NEED to stay in my course which is 2.5
I saw my footsteps get shorter and shorter...
My walking slower and slower...
My breathing heavier and heavier...
each time that I saw those 3 D's which I just never saw coming.

Tell me...

Am I this stupid? am I this dumb?

sometimes I think that I'm just too over confident about my academic capabilities... but the thing is... I DON'T TALK ABOUT MY ACADEMIC CAPABILITIES... If i do have any which I just wish i do... I keep them to myself... and seeing those grades just made me feel like shit...

Do I even deserve the right to be in Biology?
Yeah sure, I sound down and out... BUT HELL NO I'M NOT!

I've said it too many times to those who keep on telling me to get an easier course but I'll say it again... "I would rather fail biology with my utmost sincere and true efforts rather than just pass with pity from others and get another course that may be more suiting to me..."

I have a dream... my parents have a dream... I want those dreams to come true... and if I put my heart into it... they just might...
I will just not go down without a fight...

Others say... "here come's another sem of terror..."
I say...
Bring it on! I'm not out of the game... not even close! I'll be sticking around until I get what I have to do done.
I love my friends...
I love my blockmates...
I love my parents...
I love my whole family...
I love God...

and I am NOT going to let any of them down...


"Let this day be a scar on my vulnerable self, that I may see it not as a morbid reminder of failure... but as a horrific symbol of hope... of challenge... of destiny and my ability to achieve it. Let this day be over, and let tomorrow come, that I may see it as an opportunity to learn more and be more... I may be down, and nearly out... but so what? I'll never quit... and the best thing is... I never have... bring on the hardships! I will step on them as they have stepped on me... no one can ever bring me down... only I can do that to myself... I will not allow it... I will not tolerate it... I am my own self... and I know that I can do this..."
-Job wi 10/27/04

"Job Julian never quits" - this has been my motto since I was 7... it's time to show that I really never quit.... never did... never have... and never will be...

It's the first day since school started that on a weekday i didn't get to see you... and already... i'm missing you like crazy... i don't even know why i'm writing about you when you don't even know that you're the one i'm writing about... i don't know why i'm showing the world these feelings i have for you when it is only in my dreams that you return them... i don't know why... but it is what i think i have to do, to get the answers to my questions... am i really falling for you? what is it about you that i'm missing so much right now? so many questions... all left unanswered... and only you can give me what i want, what i need... I'm wishing that when i do see you tomorrow, you are still happy... the way i want you to be and the way you should be... I'm hoping that when i do see you tomorrow, God will freeze time and let me see you and everything you are... for eternity...

I miss you... today...

Woke up this morning and realized
that I wasn't going to see you today
that just left me so mesmerized
and sulking just about the whole day
didn't know why I was feeling bad
didn't know why I was feeling down
I wasn't angry, I wasn't mad
but there, on my face, was a deep frown

there was no pain nor sorrow
there was only my hope
for the coming of tomorrow

that's when I suddenly knew
what was the feeling that grew
was thinking about you the whole time
and made me do this simple rhyme
I was not down, I was not sad
neither was I close to being had

I was missing you... today...
I really was...
It was your face that I missed
the way it glared under the sun
It was your presence that I missed
the way we always had fun
It was your voice that I missed
the way it sounded like a song
It was your smell that I missed
the way it stuck to my clothes
for oh, just too long
It was you whom I missed...
today and yesterday...
but today was different
you weren't there
but how I wish you were

I missed so many things about you
well, everything about you...

I missed you... and only you...
today...
but truly...not just today...
till forever...
till you finally, come my way...

My song for the moment...

The Calling - Things Will Go My Way Lyrics

I came to tell you
How it all began
Nothing seems to work out right
I'm broken down again
So hold me now
And say it's not forever
Maybe someday
In time

Things will go my way
Things will go my way

I've pushed to get through
The crowds in twisted souls
Just to find I'm right back here
Doing what I'm told
So take my hands
Don't let me surrender
'Cuz maybe someday
Yeah, in time

Things will go my way
Things will go my way

For all the lies
I've tasted
Just looking for the truth
For all the dreams I'm chasing
Well what am I to do
When everything's against me
The answers are all wrong
I'm hoping that I'll find out
It was worth it all along

So hold me now
And say it's not forever
Maybe someday
In time

Things will go my way
Things will go my way
Things will go my way

For all the lies
I've tasted
Just looking for the truth
For all the dreams I'm chasing
Well what am I to do
When everything's against me
The answers are all wrong
I'm hoping that I'll find out

Things will go my way
Things will go my way


Don't leave me waiting in vain anymore... It's not what I want to be doing when in fact I see you day by day and each time you pass me by the side of me who's such a wishful lover comes out... Let intimidation not be your reason for staying away... because when you're there... I am nothing but a man who's falling for you... with your words, you tame the wildest beast that lies within me... with your beauty, I am robbed of words to say and actions to take... know this, there is no other person that I have been as afraid to fall for as you... show me what I need to see... I'll make worth of it... but then who am I to force you on what you should be doing... I'll just pray to God on my longing nights... hoping that truly some day... in time... things will go my way...

I can't stop thinking of you and i'm pretty much sure you know that..
I get weak when i see you and this numbness is a feeling i like..
You may be just a few inches away and yet i tremble to touch you...
I have everyday another chance to try to make something happen...
Yet the mere sight of you shreads out every last drop of courage and sanity left within this soul of a wishful lover...
I'm going desperate just thinking about the fact that you're there and I'm here and nothing is happening cause I can't do anything...
I hope for the flowers to bloom as you bless them with your beauty...
I pray to the heavens that they give you less a part of them... not only are you perfect the way you are, but you are perfect as well in ways that you aren't yourself...
I wish to the stars that they twinkle bright for your nights to be beautiful... just like you are...
It hurts for me to think that I'm being like this... running with desperation to a girl who can't even see me...
To you, I'm only the wind, relaxing and admiring you, you know that I'm there and you feel me being there... but you don't see me... me, meaning the real me... behind what you feel...
Give me this chance to let you see what I want you to see...
The side of me that loves (not you... yet!) being around you...
The side of me that admires you and hopes that you see my valant efforts on showing you what it is that you do to me...
The side of me that goes crazy each time you walk by me...
The side of me that dreams... for you... and of you...
Still today I can do nothing but hope...
nothing but pray...
nothing but wish...
nothing but dream...
that even if you are so close to me...
and yet still so far...
you would one day... just come my way...